The Soap Box
A place for me to dump my brain and you to pick thru it

Question of the Day
2:51pm

If more American soldiers have been killed since the end of the Iraqi war, did the war ever really end?

VMAs
11:50am

Yes I watched MTV's video Music Awards even though I can't remember the last time I actually SAW a video on MTV. It was amusing, boring, and mind boggling. TV Guide decided to hand out some of its own awards based on the VMAs. I wish to share one of their awards with you:

Best Imitation of a 1970s Blaxploitation Film: A duet between 50 Cent and Snoop Dogg overloaded the stage with more fur-bearing pimps and scantily-clad hos than there were on New York City's 42nd Street pre-Giuliani. So moved by the sight was (host Chris) Rock that he remarked, "Today is the anniversary of Martin Luther King's 'I Have a Dream' speech. Isn't it nice to see that his dream came true?"

I couldn't have said it better myself.

And yes, Eminem did beat up yet another puppet this year in a spoof of last year's battle with Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. It's good to see he can poke fun at himself but why does he have such an anger mamagement problem with puppets?

Why Why WHY?
11:50am

Why is it when our fierce hunter, Damien, brings in his latest (alive) prey, he insists on dropping it on some belonging of mine? It's usually a shoe but sometimes it's my pocketbook or my book bag or my jacket...whatever item of mine he can find. What's up with that?

And now if you'll excuse me, I need to get a live lizard out of my bag.

G-dF*&%ingDammit!
3:58pm

This day has been one for the books. At my dental cleaning, I got the hygienist who obviously graduated from Sadist University. She kept sticking my gums with her sharp pointy instrument, making them bleed then I swear she cleaned off the tartar with a dull drill bit. It seriously hurt more than getting a filling. Then she found a cavity that the doc thought needed to be filled immediately so I got my FIFTH filling in 8 days! Which karma god did I piss off this week?

Then I went to the University Hospital to meet with a professor about possibly doing some research with her. When I returned to my car, I had a $100 parking ticket! A hundred fucking dollars! The ticket even had written on it "I think this a student. There are text books on the front seat." Yes there were text books on my front seat because I was giving them to someone, not because I was in class and tried to scam a space in the Hospital garage, thankyouverymuch.

To top it all off, my hubby is gone until Sunday night. Argh! I think I might go hibernate in my bed until then.

UGH! Me Old!
4:19pm

The incoming college freshmen this year were born in 1985 or 1986 (I was already out of high school by then), have always had a VCR, do not know nor have ever seen a black & white TV or a TV with only 13 channels, have never seen a soda bottle with a cap that needed a seperate appliance to remove (i.e. they have only had screw tops), have never seen Larry Bird play basketball, do not know what Jordache jeans are, have always had MTV and have always had a walkman.

In contrast, I remember saving money for like a year to buy an Aiwa walkman-like cassette player that costed over $100! OMG! My best friend had a betamax VCR but I don't think my mom actually got one until about 10 years ago. My home town still did not have cable access when I left for college. We were lower middle class and could not afford Jordache jeans, but I do remember the SNL commercial for Jew-ass jeans (do you?). I became a huge Celtics fan in high school because of Larry Bird and Kevin McHale (as well as Parrish and Ainge et al). When I was about 10 years old, I was given a B&W TV for Christmas and could not have been more excited! I still had it when I went to college and brought it with me, coat hanger-antenna and all. I was one of the few students with a TV in my dorm room.

And now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get my weekly botox injection.

How to Not Keep Your Job
11:37am

So, some guy was about to lose his job at an auto parts warehouse. What does he do? He shows up with a gun and starts shooting. This is NOT a good idea. And how did it end? With the gunman shot dead. So now he has no job or life. Let this be a lesson to you. It's better to lose a suck-ass job at some auto parts warehouse than your life. Leave the guns at home, people.

Convo
1:16am

This is an actual conversation I heard in line at the local all night diner:

Girlfriend: What do you want?
Boyfriend: World peace.
Girlfriend: To eat?
Boyfriend: A pound of dough.

At that point, the conversation stopped. I wonder why.

Attention Elvii
5:53am

There is a general casting call for Elvis impersonators Wednesday and Thursday of this week in Albuquerque to appear in a new movie called Elvis Has Left the Building starring Kim Basinger and directed by the guy who did My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Both male and female impersonators needed. Please bring your own cape. (No, I'm not kidding.)

What I Learned In School Tonight
10:06pm

After the infamous Lorena Bobbitt trial (Remember her? She cut off her husband's peepee then threw it out her car window.) the state of Virginia got rid of the "temporary insanity" law. Interesting, huh?

Crazy?
4:34pm

So David Blaine, the creepiest magician ever, is going to live in a box suspended above London somewhere for 44 days with no food. Doesn't this sound like suicide? I mean what would your family do if you said, "Hey, I'm gonna go live in a box with nothing but water for about a month and a half. See ya!" wouldn't they drive you to the closest mental institution? If you knew someone was going to do something that could kill them, don't you have some sort or ethical duty to stop them? So why is Blaine allowed to do this incredibly dumb stunt in which thousands, if not millions, of people will watch him, both in person and over his 24 hour webcam?

Unless, of course, it's a trick and he will be in no real danger. So why bother watching that?

If it's not a trick, why do I want to watch someone starve themselves for no real reason other than the need for attention? If it's a stunt, then what's interesting about that? Do I just not get it? Does anyone care?

It would be more interesting if we could bet on which day he succumbs to his own stupidity...OMG, did I say that out loud?

It's That Time Again
11:06pm

School starts tomorrow! No more lazy summer days. Now it's back to work. My first class starts at 1 pm. Hope I make it in time. I gotta figure out when I'm gonna take the GRE exam. I've been studying for it pretty half-assedly. *sigh*

Just My Opinion
10:38am

With about half a dozen reality shows ending this week, I reflect upon how all these "finding a mate" game shows offend me. I was taught and truly believe that marriage is a serious commitment between to adults who believe that marriage to last a lifetime. You get married because you cannot live without that other person, because they make you a better you, not because you want to win a million dollars or show how many women you can get or because someone dared you. Every time someone marries for reasons of fame or to win a game show, it sullies the institution.

On For Love Or Money, if the woman in question can convince the male contestant to marry her instead of taking $1 million prize, SHE gets $2 million! That has got to be the most expensive prostitute I have ever seen! Dude, take the $ 1million and RUN!! RUN AWAY AND DON'T LOOK BACK!

Later Gator
11:25am

I'm playing hooky today. I'll be back tomorrow. Meanwhile there are plenty of very entertaining blogs for you to read down on the right. See ya!

Whah?
6:32pm

We captured "Chemical Ali"? Didn't we kill him a few months ago?

What's Wrong with This Picture?
3:27pm

I was surfing around imdb and stumbled upon a rather odd item. Check out the name for Johnny Depp under "Sometimes Credited As."

What's up with that? The funny thing is if you do a search on imdb for that name, it gives you Oprah Winfrey! LOL

WARNING: Do NOT Go to Brazil with an Earache!
11:44am

Some poor schmuck went to the doctor for an earache in Brazil and ended up with a vasectomy! Quotes the patient, "I thought my earache had turned into something more serious and had descended to my genitals, that is why I didn't say anything…I don't care about the vasectomy I already have two sons. What I really want is that they cure this earache that is killing me."

I Survived!
11:14am

I'm back from the dentist where 3 cavities turned out to be 4 cavities (which translated into like 6 shots of novacaine. I'm not sure how but it was misreable. I could taste the novacaine in my mouth as it if had dripped out of my gums). However, no crowns were needed this time! Woohoo! It's the first time I haven't had a crown put in since returning to the dentist a year ago. (Stupid cruddy Irish teeth!) I had to make an appointment for a cleaning on my way out. They told me the next available cleaning was tomorrow at 8 am and I said "I don't wanna." The receptionist laughed and we made an appointment for next week.

I decided I might as well consume the total caloric intake of the day while my mouth is still partially numb and got a bagel breakfast sammich with eggs, swiss and bacon…mmmm…bacon taste goooooood. The only problem is when I chew with one of the teeth with the new filling, I can hear the filling material squeaking! UGH!

Why, God, Why?
9:20pm

Simon Cowell, of American Idol "fame," is looking to host his own talk show in America. He's even had several offers. Why does that make me feel nauseated?

D-Day…Again
6:01pm

Those who have read this blog regularly know i"m a dental-phobic and guess what tomorrow is? It's get three fillings day! Woohoo!

Luckily, the appointment is at 9am so I can get it over with. I probably won't sleep much tonight and God knows I won't be eating before going. I'm just praying I won't need any more crowns! UGH!

Quote of the Day
11:30am

upfuckage n. the resultant matter from a fuck-up , as in there is gonna be no end to the upfuckage over in Iraq. - Rj

Figures
8:54pm

We got a new screen door that has a cat flap in it so the cats can go in and out at their leisure. Currently, the cats cry until *I* open the flap for them then they run in through the opening. I keep hoping they will try it on their own and realize they can do it themselves. However, it's not looking good.

The three girl kitties are allowed to go out at night as they rarely leave the back yard. However, Damien, aka pure evil in kitten form, is not allowed out at night because he's kinda stupid and likes to hang out by the side of the road. Ugh!

So…out of our four cats, guess who has figured out how to use the cat flap? Yup, it's Damien of course! So now if we choose to keep the glass door open to catch a breeze at night, we are still playing butler to the 3 girl kitties but then Damien escapes! Damn cats.

Is This Considered Friendly Fire?
6:52am

BAGHDAD, Iraq (AP) - The Army acknowledged Monday that it had killed a television journalist after soldiers mistook his camera for a rocket-propelled grenade launcher.

My God. Our soldiers can't tell the difference between a television camera and a grenade launcher? Truly that is sad. Could I have my tax dollars back that were used to train those guys?

Note To Self…
2:37pm

…you cannot fall asleep to the movie Aliens, you moron.

Quote of the Day
8:45pm

"Have you ever seen the United States take the blame for anything? This is no different." - Toronto Mayor Lastman, commenting on the US's claim that Canada was at fault for the recent blackout.

How Do I Get a Gig Like That?
2:50pm

Renee Zellweger is getting paid a whopping $112,000 PER POUND that she gains over her contractual 30 lb weight gain for the Bidget Jones' Diary sequel. Damn girl! I could do that in my sleep! Pass the donuts!

Nobody Told Me There'd Be Days Like These
2:01pm

So last night I'm trying to figure out what to have for dinner. We have very little food in the house but I didn't want to actually go out for dinner so I settle for a tuna sammich. Except I forgot we had no mayo. So I go for peanut butter on toast. However, when I have PB on T, I have to have chocolate milk. Guess who's also out of milk? OK, time to break down and go make a 7-11 run. I drive the 2 blocks to the Sevvey (sad but true) and get milk and mayo.

Back home, I get out my low carb "bread for life" bread out of the fridge (tastes good but has the consistency of an underbaked brownie) and it is moldy!!! UGH!!! OK, all sammiches are out now.

Luckily, I had an Amy's Organic Pasta Shells meal in the freezer. Pop that in the microwave for 5 minutes and Viola! Dinner is served! Ooooh, but it doesn't end there! I'm putting the nuked food in a real bowl, as opposed to the flimsy paper bowl it comes in, and I manage to get the meal, including the tomato sauce and lava-hot cheese, on myself, the floor, the counter and all over the outside of the serving bowl. *sigh* Just one of those days…

Answer the Question!
3:04pm

When Dubya was asked by the press if he would campaign for Ahnuld, he answered, "I will never arm wrestle Arnold Swarzenegger. No matter how hard I try, I'll never lift as much weight as he does." Uhhh… what question was he answering? I mean, what exactly did he think he was asked? He's such an ass.

File Under "Truth is Stranger than Fiction"
7:23am

Turns out that Marlon Brando is the grandfather of Courtney Love! Does that mean she might inherit that South Pacific island after he croaks?

The Osbournes
12:26am

Did anyone else watch "The Osbournes" season finale last night? What kind of sick joke was it to have Jack kill his mom's favorite dog? That's really messed up. I wasn't laughing.

Doh!
4:36pm

Recently a family member was prescribed a drug called Trazadone. Having never heard of it, I looked it up on the web. This is what it said:

Trazodone can be used in the treatment of any type of depression. It is also used to reduce the symptoms of agoraphobia, drug induced insomnia, essential tremor, repetitive screaming, and some pain syndromes.

OK, first of all, if you have drug-induced insomnia, wouldn't it be better to just stop taking THAT drug instead of adding another drug?

Second of all, repetitive screaming? It reminds me of the Simpsons episode when Homer found the dead body of Smithers' father and couldn't stop screaming. Now we know what they should have done for him. They should have given him Trazadone.

Oh, and a possible side effect? Painful erection! OUCH! Maybe that is what starts the repetitive screaming. Sounds like a Catch-22 to me.

Most Fucked-up News Story of the Day
2:54pm

OMG, you just have to read it for yourself.

ROFL!
8:21pm

Well, after the terrible reviews of Gigli, Kevin Smith has recut his upcoming movie "Jersey Girl" to remove as much of Jennifer Lopez as possible. She now dies in the first 15 minutes. Way to go Kevin Smith!

WTF?
7:23pm

OK, just WHAT is Missy Elliot saying in that Gap ad with Madonna? I can't understand a word.

Poor Kitty
2:19pm

Hi. My name is Damien. I have a very tough life. As you can see form these photos, I cower from people and hide under the furniture.

I'm obviously malnourished and small for my age. I would never just lie on top of a chair in the middle of the room and claim it as mine.

Even though that camera thingie scares me to death, my feeders keep taking pictures of me. See the fear in my eyes? And they think they can make it all better by getting me this 6 foot carpeted cathouse you see me in above. Humph!

The feeders are soooo mean! When I drag in a half dead and bloody lizard, they put it back outside so I can't play with it in the house until it dies then leave it there! I mean, I generally leave the tails outside to begin with. You'd think they'd let me have a little fun!

Eh, I guess this place is better than the shelter. I didn't like living in a cage much. Maybe I'll stay here afterall…

Food, Glorious Food!
1:48am

Why are breakfast foods the most delicious? You have pancakes, french toast, hash browns, breakfast burritos, waffles,pop tarts, scrambled eggs, muffins, omelets, danish, croissants, lox and bagels, bacon, cold pizza…mmmm…I think I'm gonna start making every meal breakfast.

PS: my spellchecker didn't recognize "gonna" and offered in its place "gonad." LOL

Fashion Statement
10:54pm

I have this great idea for a summer clothing line! Let's put Third Reich and swastika memorabilia on clothing! I mean, the Nazis weren't THAT bad. What? That's a horrendous idea? Too late. There's a store in Hong Kong that has done just that. You can see pics and read all about it at Big White Guy's blog here and here.

Odd Jobs
10:14pm

So, last night when I couldn't sleep because some asshole was doing donuts in my neighborhood, I started thinking of the weird jobs I've had to make ends meet. They include:

Furniture stripper (lasted 2 days), laundress, registrar for Lamaze Childbirth, counter help at Au Bon Pain in Harvard Square, Copier Key Operator in my dorm*, math grader, Electrical Engineering co-op student at Raytheon**, teaching assistant, eBay seller and resume consultant.

OK, they aren't all weird but considering I have a degree in engineering and religion, they don't all make sense either. What are some of your stranger jobs?

*this copier was so old, it had one looooong roll of paper instead of individual sheets! Think about that paper jam!

**I actually worked on some asinine project of the Reagan era where we were trying to make a computer that would work after a nuclear blast so we could send rockets back in a counterattack. It was considered impossible but no one told us to stop working on it so we kept at it until all the money was gone. UGH!

Entertainment News
12:23pm

Both Gary Coleman and prop comedian Gallagher have filed petitions to run for Governor of California. Uh, they don't have a prayer against Ahnuld. An actual politician, Dianne Feinstein, has chosen not to run, stating that the race is too much of a circus.

Malaysia is currently debating whether or not to ban the movie, "Bruce Almighty," for trivializing the subject of God. Whatever.

In other banning news, Malawi has banned "Big Brother Africa" declaring it immoral. Quotes the producer, "If (Big Brother Africa) didn't generate any controversy, the project would be a failure." Controversy is one thing, getting banned is just bad business. It's hard to sell advertising for a show that won't ever be seen.

Even the Revolution's studio chief's grandfather is ragging on him about how bad "Gigli" turned out. Apparently, after seeing the rough cut of the movie, Joe Roth claimed he wanted to kill himself, it was that bad. Guess it didn't get any better.

How to Become a Vegetarian Overnight
10:00pm

Read this story, but not while eating goulash.

In The News
12:08pm

OK, who REALLY cares, other than those directly involved, about the whole Kobe Bryant thing? I mean, I do care that someone claims she was sexually assaulted but jeezum crow! Is it really the top national news story that he is going to be arraigned? No, it's not…at least it shouldn't be.

And it sure seems to be a lot of press lately dealing with gays. Should they marry? Should they be bishops? Hey! As long as someone is having sexual relations with a consenting adult, WHO CARES who they sleep with? And what business is it of anyone's anyway? Once again, that these stories are headlining the news just proves to me that there isn't really anything to report.

What Have I Done?
7:15am

Today is M. Night Shyamalan's birthday. The writer/producer/director is 33 years old today. I'm over 37. Let's compare achievements…my tiny 9 page script was rejected by Flicks on 66, I have pages of an unpublished - and indeed unfinished - novel residing on my old computer, I've never acted in a movie or even a play since high school.

Do you ever think that there is only a limited amount of creativity in the world and that people like M. Night Shyamalan have taken your share? Yeah, that's it…it's not that I'm not creative, it's that it's been usurped by others! *wink*

A Sign of the Apocalypse
6:53pm

Krispy Kremes are to be sold at the luxury department store, Harrods of London starting in October. *shudder*

Vacation, Day 1
7:43pm

Woke up at 10:45am and went to the chiropractor. Came home, made scrambled eggs and took a nap. Got up at 1:30pm and got a massage. Went to Einstein's Bagels for bagel and lox. Surfed the internet. Took another nap. Woke up at 7:15pm and took a shower. That leads us to now. We are now getting geared up to go to PF Chang's for dinner. Phew! Tough day!

Woohoo!
12:31am

Guess who now has a GPA of 4.11? Yup! It's me! So now if I totally bomb the GREs, at least I got that going for me.

Just a Thought…
11:38am

If you've watched the news lately, you have heard Dubya saying, "I believe in the sanctity of marriage. I believe a marriage is between a man and a woman. And I think we ought to codify that one way or another and we've got lawyers looking at the best way to do that."

I wonder if he'd be so adamantly against gay unions if one of his daughters revealed that she's a lesbian. I'm not saying they are gay, I'm just wondering if he'd understand a little better than the greatest gift God/god/goddess/whatever-you-believe-in is the love of another human being, regardless of gender. If one of his precious girls were gay, would he really want her to have no recognized relationship with the person she loved? Would he want her to be possibly denied health insurance or the possibility to inherit a house she spent years paying for and making a home? Would he really want her to not have a loving, supportive and committed relationship, the kind he has with his wife, Laura, and spend her life alone? I don't think so.

Mr. Bush, just because something is different than what you have experienced does not make it bad or scary or wrong. I know it's beyond you to look behind what is right in front of you to find a deeper understanding and that's unfortunate for a lot of people.

Concert
1:39am

There are no words as to how cool the Blue Man Group show was. If you have seen their other shows in Boston, NY, Chicago or LV, this show is almost totally different. The music is all different except for perhaps one song. What was even cooler is that we were in the front row! Woohoo!

And I just purchased front row seats for the Dave Attell (of Insomniac fame) and Lewis Black show coming to Albuquerque in November. I think I better bring Depends for that one. It's gonna be one funny-ass show.

Rain!
6:14pm

It's raining…finally! Actually, I knew it was going to rain today because I have tickets to Blue Man Group for tonight and it's an outdoor concert. Eh, I don't even care. I'll stand out in the rain. We need it so badly!

US Open
10:33am

Serena Williams will not be in the US Open this year. Should make the whole event more interesting! Maybe Jennifer Capriati will win!

Quote of the Day
1:48am

"When you apply for the job of international pop star, they don’t test your pee." - Rene Risque, self-proclaimed glam-rock star.

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